Sunday, July 31, 2005

blue like jazz

" what great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours? What great force, that though i went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that i fear, the soul that i loathe, the soul that: if you will love, i will love. i will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and i together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay? I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me. I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were pretty, and my friends believed i was worthy of you. You were clever, but i was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see love, i did not love you, i loved me. And you were only a tool that i used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though i have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for i cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest i believe that i am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed. I want desperatly for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man i wanted to be, the man i pretended to be, and i was your jesus and, you were mine. Should i show you who i am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, i am scared of me. I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonley, like me. My love, do i know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this Gods way of meriting grace, of teaching of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known of being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion? We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other. Were i some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to council your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that i stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him. Will we be in ashes before we are one? What great gravity is this that drew my heart towards yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Dont we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other! I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away. I will give you this my love, and i will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what i can discover and though you remain a mystery, save Gods own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And i will do this to my death, and to the death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow i will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before i am ended at this alter of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us. " - Donald Miller / BLUE LIKE JAZZ

this is a scene in the play polaroids that Don talks about in this book "BLUE LIKE JAZZ". In this scene, the main character has been in a HUGE fight with his wife. He later walks in the bedroom where she is sleeping, kneels down beside her and whispers these words.

I couldnt help but put it up here. that is so real to me... i miss her still, alot. i love her still, alot. and i read this and it makes me think of her. it makes me think of the connection i feel to her that shows no signs of going away. but i think that i just might be starting to maybe sort of get a little glimpse of the picture.... GOD LOVES ME. and i think that just about sums it all up. GOD IS LOVE> and GOD LOVES ME. I met Bethany, i know that i love her. God allowed me to fall in love with her. and by allowing me to know this, He is showing me that there is a love that exeeds all comprehension of love. the love i feel for Bethany feels so great but it is nothing compared to the love that Jesus Christ has for me, her, and everyone else in this world, no matter who they are or where they come from. and it was paid for by his own blood. that is so hard to understand. its impossible to understand Gods love. but what im starting to realize is i have to stop trying to understand it, stop thinking i can truly love or truly be loved, until i learn to truly accept His love. By simply accepting Gods GRACIOUS love for me, i will then TRULY fall in love with Him, and only then will i have the fuel i need to obey Him. In exchange for my humility and willingness to accept Gods charity, i am given so much more than i can imagine. im given a kingdom. and "a beggars kingdom is better than a proud mans delusion." (Don Miller)

like i said before, i am typing this down as i digest it (slowly) in my mind and heart. i know i dont have anything figured out yet and will probably never totally grasp it. i also know that Bethany is important to me and the thought of growing in Him with her by my side still gives me chills and makes me smile. but more important than all of that, i am trying to accept the fact that God loves me, that Jesus died for me, and will never leave me. iv heard those things my entire life and only now are they starting to truly hit me. its AMAZING.

well this blog is officially WAY TO LONG, so im gonna wrap it up. im off to TYI tomorrow. God wants to work there and i know Hes going to.

truly ~IN HIS GRIP~